of Stars
by flamingbluepanda
Summary: After the battle of Scarif, Baze grieves for his husband (a rogue one, fluffy, angsty, everyone (and I do mean everyone) lives story)


_I am one with the force, the force is with me, I am one with the-_

Baze opens his eyes.

The thrumming metal beneath his aching back, silver-grey metal above him. He's on a shuttle.

_I am one with the force._

_The force is with me._

He coughs, and a face appears above him. _Bodhi. _He crouches next to Baze, touches his arm. "It's good to see you awake." Bodhi says softly. "Jyn's asleep, Cassian's flying us back to Yavin."

"Why aren't you asleep?" Is the first thing out of Baze's mouth, and Bodhi smiles weakly.

"I close my eyes and see bombs." He holds out a hand and Baze blinks, eyes bleary and concussed before he gazes up at Bodhi with a curious expression. "Unless you're very different from how I think of you, you won't stay on your back forever. I might as well help you up now rather than let you hurt yourself without help later."

Baze agrees, and he takes the offered hand. His shoulder and back are aching, and distantly he recognizes that those parts of his body took the heat of the explosion. _The explosion. The bomb._

_Chirrut._

_I am one with the force._

Baze looks around, eyes automatically seeking out the dark hair and blue eyes. He's probably meditating somewhere, or maybe he's with Cassian? He can see Jyn, asleep in the corner, curled small. (it's a position Baze recognizes- when scared, you try to make yourself as small as possible. Chirrut would never admit to it, but he sleeps like that every night.) The blood on her jacket breaks his heart. Mentally, he's already named them all his siblings, his and Chirrut's children even.

_The force is with me._

Speaking of which, he honestly feels a little miffed. Chirrut isn't next to him. Usually, they stay right next to one another when one is incapacitated, and Chirrut is nowhere to be found. He shifts, knows he can't rise. He looked over at Bodhi, huffing.

"Go get Chirrut for me?" He asks, and Bodhi's face fell.

_I am one with the force, the force is with me._

"Baze… I'm so _sorry…"_

Baze frowns. "Where is he?" He asked, and Bodhi looks like he's about tocry. Baze feels his heart rise into his throat. He swallows, staring at Bohdi. Mentally, he instinctively reaches for the force- even disconnected as he was, he could always find Chirrut that way.

_I am one with the force_

So_ where was Chirrut?_

_The force is with me._

"He didn't make it out Baze." Bodhi whispers. "I couldn't find him."

"No." Baze whispers

_I am one with the force. The force is with me._

_Chirrut._

The world stops.

* * *

Time loses all meaning for Baze. He has no clue how much later it is Jyn wakes up, or how long it is until Bodhi leaves him alone to assist an injured Cassian.

None of it matters; Chirrut is dead.

He can't even fathom it. He can't think around it, it sits there like a brick wall. He's heard that when other people grieve they can't process it right, can't think the words. Baze can't _stop _thinking the words. _Chirrut is dead dead dead. He's dead and he died in Baze's arms._

Oh yes, he's remembered that now. He remembers the explosion that had thrown Chirrut forward. He remembered his husband reaching up to caress his face as he's done so many times in the past.

_I am one with the force, the force is with me. _

That old fool.

Oh yes, Chirrut was quite the fool, but he was _his _fool. His beautiful, blind fool who trusted too much and cared too little. _I don't need luck, I have you._

_The force is with me, and I am one with the force._

Oh, gods, Chirrut was _dead._

Baze can't cry either. That wasn't how he worked. It wasn't who he was. He didn't cry, never. He just felt sick. And he'd already dry heaved twice.

"Baze."

He looked up, Jyn is standing over him with sad eyes. "I'm sorry." She says, and Baze grunts, shaking his head.

"Everyone is sorry." He says, and almost winces at how broken his voice sounds "but that means nothing. Chirrut is dead." The words taste like acid on his tongue, his stomach turns again.

Jyn sinks down so she's sitting next to him. "I'm sorry you lost him." She says, running a hand through his hair "it's my-"

"Don't." Baze interrupts, turning his head to look at her. "Chirrut wouldn't want you to do that little sister. And I don't want that either."

Jyn smiles weakly, sadly, brokenly. "You can still call me that?"

"Chirrut wanted to adopt all three of you," Baze says, closing his eyes, and he'd never _said _that but by unspoken agreement they knew they would have spent the rest of their lives caring for these three. Rogue one, after all.

Jyn lets out a choked sob, then darts to bury her face in his shoulder. Baze smooths a hand down her back. He isn't the only one feeling Chirrut's loss, he knows that. He hugs Jyn closer. Cassian comes over after a few minutes. He's limping pretty bad, and Baze knows Jyn is going to yell at him for being up and about without help later. For right now, he holds up his other arm, and Cassian practically collapses next to him. If the ship had autopilot, he has a feeling Bodhi would be here too.

Chirrut is dead. Baze blinks, and he finally feels tears.

* * *

Baze didn't cry when the temple was destroyed, or when Jehda city was blown up. Now, with Chirrut gone, he finally had a good reason to.

When something bad happened, Chirrut would always run his fingers through Baze's hair, hold him close. Chirrut would cry for him, then make some awful joke and everything would be okay. Now Chirrut was the thing that was wrong, because Chirrut was _dead. _

_I am one with the force._

Screw the force, he wanted his everything back. He was, ever so slightly, force sensitive. Nothing like Chirrut or the other guardians had been. But he had a basic sense and…

And he couldn't feel Chirrut in it.

All that time and Chirrut had, somehow, been wrong. Chirrut wasn't with the force and he wasn't with Baze, which meant he was lost to the dark. Forever.

He felt sick again. The force's most staunch believer, and he wasn't with the force. He was gone.

Baze presses his face into his hands. He wasn't used to crying, wasn't used to feeling so weak. But here he was, crying. He wanted Chirrut, more than anything he wanted Chirrut. But Chirrut was gone, dead. _Oh, gods._

No more long nights tangled together. Chirrut wouldn't be there to play with his hair or make his god awful jokes. There would be no steady presence over his shoulder to annoy him, and no one for him to hold when he had nightmares- he would have no one to look for in crowds. He was so used to always looking for him, looking after him. There would be no more _together. _

_The force is with me_

It was _not. _The force was no replacement for his stupid husband with his stupid mouth and all his stupid rambling about stars and kyber crystals and the stupid stupid _stupid stupid _force-

What was he supposed to do? He and Chirrut were supposed to make a plan together, decide where they were going to go next _together. _He was fairly sure the plan had been to stay with the rebellion, with Jyn and Cassian and Bodhi, but with Chirrut _dead…_ He was an assassin, he was used to doing things he didn't want to do. But staying with the rebellion, with what had _killed Chirrut… _

He wasn't sure he could do that.

* * *

"Landing now, thank you tower base," Cassian says into the headset he was wearing. They had made it back.

_Most of them. _Most of them had made it back. Kaytoo. Thirty other men who had volunteered to betray their orders. Chirrut. _Baze._

He might as well have been another casualty. His husband was dead. He had nowhere to go. Time had no meaning; his heart should have stopped when Chirrut's did.

The shuttle lets out a shudder as its lands. Baze rises from his seat, determined to keep his head high and walk off of the shuttle without assistance. A crowd is waiting, they applaud.

Doctors attempt to rush them, but the woman in white stops them. Mon Mothama steps forward, shakes Cassian's hand, then Jyn's.

"I must say, we were worried. When the other ships came back first, everyone- well, almost everyone- was certain you four were dead."

_Almost everyone?_

"Other ships?" Bodhi asks, and Mothama smiled gently. "You succeeded. The plans arrived and were sent off again."

"Good men are dead." Baze said, speaking for the first time. _Chirrut._ "I hardly see that as a success."

She frowned now, looking at him. "Mr… Malbus, was it? We managed to pull everyone who went with you four off the planet before it blew."

Baze's heart freezes in his chest.

_I am one with the force, the force is with me_

_He isn't in the force._

His three friends all fight to ask about a blind monk, but Baze isn't listening, he's searching. He spots a group of people who look familiar, and his feet are moving before he can even process that he's doing so, that the bandaged group of men are all the people who went with them and that-

Chirrut turns as if Baze called him, he always did. There are bandages on his side and he's favoring his left leg. He'd been given a wooden stick in place of his normal staff and he's leaning on it. His eyes are searching as if they could see, the way they always were when he claimed he could _feel _Baze and above all _he was breathing he was alive. _

"Baze?" He calls and the voice hits his ears at the same moment that Baze starts running. But Baze can't reply, he can't speak.

Chirrut knows who it is when Baze grabs him and picks him up. He knows who it is when Baze wraps his arms around Chirrut's tiny frame (mindful of his side) and clutches him to him like a child. Chirrut knows it's him and drops his stick, wrapping his arms around Baze's head and fisting a hand in Baze's hair as if he's daring someone to pull him away. He buries his face in Baze's neck and breathes "_Baze." _

"You're not dead," Baze whispers. "You're not dead oh _gods Chirrut-"_

"Of course I'm not dead. You thought I was dead?" Chirrut _laughs _and the sound makes Baze's heart race so fast it hurts. "I thought you'd know if I was dead. I knew _you _weren't dead."

But the way he's clinging to Baze says otherwise. The way he's trembling says otherwise.

"You _idiot." _Baze suddenly hisses "you stupid old _fool _what were you- I'm going to _kill you _for being so stupid."

"Oh yes, I'm sure you'll kill me-" In the corner of his eye, he sees Chirrut wave the hand that wasn't fisted in his hair around. "-later."

"I thought you were dead." Baze repeats, softer now, pressing his face closer. The hand comes back to rub at his neck. Chirrut pulls away enough to skirt his fingers and then lips along Baze's jaw, over his cheeks and nose.

"My silly husband." Chirrut scolds affectionately, tugging Baze's hair. "Have you been crying?"

"Yes," Baze says because he can tell Chirrut no lies. Chirrut leans in until their foreheads are touching. He says something along the lines of _no more tears for you. _

Baze is vaguely aware of other people staring at them, he hears Jyn and Cassian telling others to piss off and leave them be. He hears Bodhi beg doctors just to give them this moment.

Baze doesn't care. _Chirrut is alive. _

* * *

Baze's injuries are fairly minor all things considered. Chirrut is worse off, hence why Baze was so sure he was dead. He's pretty sure the doctors intended them to stay on their own beds, but he'll be damned if he lets Chirrut go. He does that and Chirrut will go off and get himself killed again, he's certain of it.

"You can stop worrying so much now," Chirrut whispers from his spot on Baze's shoulder, running his fingers through Baze's hair. "I'm alright. You might not have protected me this time, but I _am _alright."

Baze tightens his arms subtly. "You weren't." He replies. "You _weren't. _I felt your heart stop. I was _certain-"_

"And then you went and got yourself blown up." Chirrut scolds, tugging his hair again. "I wouldn't have wanted that even if I had-"

Baze tightens his arms more distinctly this time, and Chirrut stops before he says the word. He sighs, kisses Baze on the cheek. "I can't believe we're not allowed to have _thank god you're alive _sex." He grumbles now, and Baze snorts.

"We're both still injured. There's plenty of time for that later."

"I owe you a blowjob for scaring you," Chirrut says, and Baze knows without looking that he's grinning. He runs his hand down the lean muscles in Chirrut's back. He runs his thumb over Chirrut's marriage tattoo. Chirrut presses his smile into Baze's shoulder.

"What do we do now?" Baze asks, and Chirrut shrugs. Baze sighs.

"So to be clear, we _are _non-legally adopting Jyn, Cassian, and Bodhi, right?" Chirrut asks, and Baze snorts again, nodding. "We should get Cassian another droid."

"See? You're a great dad already." Chirrut says, laughing softly.

"Oh hush."

"Never. You _missed _my voice."

"I did," Baze admits, pulling Chirrut closer. "I did. More than anything."

Chirrut presses his smile to Baze's shoulder, nuzzling him. "Well, now I'll just have to talk more."

_The force is with me_

_I am one with the force_

Baze just huffs out air and falls asleep to the sound of Chirrut talking about stars


End file.
